87daysbefore:

home is defined by the physical structure in which you live, but it’s not anything like that all now is it? we need to come to terms with the fact that what some people might think is your home is not your home any longer. a home can be a feeling, a goal, or a person. 

we also must come to terms with the fact that some of us may not have homes. 

selfishhumanbeings-:

You don’t tell someone with a low self esteem that they’re stupid.

and you don’t tell them they’re fat, or ugly, or anything of the like, or call them names, or do anything else that will further lower their self esteem.

i hate people.

ithurtssomuch:

I can’t feel the “presence” of other people anymore. I can’t even really describe or explain it. It’s just this weird feeling of deep loneliness - this feeling that you are indeed alone because you just don’t feel anything towards other people anymore. No love. No hate. No kind of connection..

peractorumm:

there’s something about throwing up involuntarily that’s 10x worse, and way more disgusting, than throwing up voluntarily.

fragilefille:

Doing borderline dangerous things. Like intentionally neglecting to buckle my seat belt, walking down the train tracks, laying in the middle of the street late at night when there really isn’t much likelihood of being hit, smoking, drinking, having conversations with strangers, getting in cars with drunk teenage drivers, puking up everything I consume or seeing how long I can go without food, cutting just deep enough to see the fatty tissue beneath my skin, but not deep enough to cut a vein or puncture an artery. I will stand just close enough to the edge of the cliff, that looking downwards begins to make me feel slightly dizzy and one more baby step forward and i would fall,
Fall,
Fall..
But I am not brave. I do not possess the urgent desperation and courage of someone who gasps the cold metal handle of a handgun, and holds it steadily to their head while squeezing the trigger. Nor would I be able to stand on the roof deck of skyscraper with my toes curled over the edge, and take that stomach churning leap into thin air, and down to the unforgiving pavement below.
So instead, I settle for these small acts of self destruction, maybe because they serve as an anesthetic, or maybe in the hopes that eventually they will add up to the equivalent of one big act.

thinly:

My whole life fell apart right infront of you, and you stood there and watched.

mattruboner:

i automatically assume everyone dislikes me unless every individual states otherwise which means you have to tell me yourself that you actually enjoy my presence in order for me to believe that you don’t dislike me how difficult is it to understand that

ithurtssomuch:

I feel so sick. My stomach just won’t stop hurting and feeling weird, and my whole body just seems to go fucking crazy.

i want to binge and purge

i want to binge and purge

i want to binge and purge

i want to binge and purge

i want to binge and purge

i want to fucking binge and purge

i want to binge and fucking purge

i want to binge and purge

but i’ll hate myself

thinly:

I sincerely hope your selfishness ruins your life.

ithurtssomuch:

Death keeps knocking on my door,

whispering “Come on. Come on, little sick girl.”

i’ve been a terrible blogger lately.

i’ve been sick for the past few days, and usually that means “YEAH BLOGGING ALL DAY YEAH”… but for a while, i’ve been in a weird place.

i’m happy physically, on the outside, with zack and my friends(kindof), but i’m also falling back into my disordered mindset, my sleeping pattern is fucked beyond repair, and i’m exhausted. my over/under sleeping is messing with my head, and recently, i’ve been all too fond of pushing my limits. as of right now, i’m just trying to stay afloat; i’ve managed to keep my grades high (As and a couple Bs) and my family content. i’m not worrying anyone, and that’s all that matters. 

not much news on my parents’ split; they’re being assholes and just dancing around it, kindof destroying everything/everyone, but it’s not that big of a deal i guess.

zack’s been great. he’s beyond adorable and he’s so sweet and he’s my number one support system. he deals with my bad days and he’s lovely on my good days. i don’t think a single day has gone by without him calling me beautiful. if you can imagine, i’m starting to believe it. he makes me feel like i’m worth something, and that itself makes him my favorite person in the world. his 18th birthday is tomorrow, which kindof sucks, but it’s fine. he’s been one of few things keeping me above water.

as for my friends… i don’t know who is and isn’t. i’ve been drifting from just about everyone, meeting some new people, and of course, madeleine is beautiful as ever. it’s been zack, madeleine, and a couple fair weather friends lately. i keep to myself for the most part, but that’s okay. for now, i like being alone.

i’ve been using twitter a lot, just because it’s more convenient, seeing as i’m not home a lot during the week anymore. i’ve been doing everything i can to not be home very often… i feel safer elsewhere. tweeting is faster and easier on the go, and i’ve been updating it much more often than this. if you have a one, follow me! here’s my twitter. i don’t strictly post about eating and such, just about whatever.

i’m also trying to keep up with my myfitnesspal food diary more. i forget often, but when i do, it’s very helpful. friend me!

my queue is running out, so i’m going to lower the daily posts and hopefully i can catch up. i’ve been using my queue for the most part. 

i think i’m going to take a break from tumblr, not completely, i’ll still come on here, but i’m going to switch primarily to twitter. i don’t know how long it’ll be before i start posting more often to tumblr, but hopefully it’ll be soon. i’ll keep you guys updated.

sorry to disappoint or let anyone down, and i hope everyone’s doing well, and i still come on tumblr a couple times a day to check my inbox and privately answer some messages, creep on a few blogs i’m attached to, and to fill up my queue a bit.

i’m still here for anyone and everyone! please don’t hesitate to drop something in my ask box or tweet me or message me on myfitnesspal.

i feel like i’m writing a goodbye, this is crazy. i’m like tearing up, i feel like i’m letting go of this huge part of my life… and when i think about it, tumblr has been a huge part of my life, since august of 2010. i know quite a few of you have been with me since day 1. you guys have kept me sane, and put up with my breakdowns and my boy troubles and some of the best and worst times of my life. wow, typing all of this out is hurting my heart; this is like seeing an old friend and thinking about all the memories and then realizing you’ll never see them again, that you have to let go. but i’m not letting go! i should be back soon. and i’m not leaving! this is just me letting you guys know i’m okay. 

i’m not sure how to end this, but i’m also unsure of how long it’ll be before i post something (not queued).

so.

you are all beautiful, and you all deserve to be told that, daily. you all deserve to be happy, whether that means recovery, or something completely different… you deserve happiness. you have so much to live for, and you have so much waiting for you. the world has great things planned for you, and you should be around to see how those plans unfold. i wish you all the best of luck in everything you do. i love each of you as a friend, because as a follower, you are a friend to me.

i’ll see you soon.

<3

i get up at 6, i’m a zombie at school, i come home, i sleep until dark. then i stay up until 3 or 4am. i’m calling this nocturnia.